Raven's Diary

…How does one deal with being homeless? I can’t even imagine how strong or how numb you’ve gotta be to deal with something like this.

While we were having a Chinese buffet last night; through the restuarant’s huge glass windows, across the road, people setting up their box bed for the night caught my eye. It immediately took my appetite away. How on earth could I stuff my face with plates and plates full of food while this family was settling in for the night probably not having had dinner or even a hot cup of coffee. What made my heart even more sore is seeing a tiny baby being held in the arms and a small toddler running around the pavement and into other take away shops. Probably his entertainment for the night before bedtime. What could that baby have possibly eaten? Surely if the mother is under nourished then there’s very little breast milk? There’s no way a homeless family can afford formula at their ridiculous prices. Probably not even enough money for cow’s milk, let alone a proper bottle. I watched the father, well I assumed so, setting up a home for his family in the corner against one of the closed shops doorways. A good spot for the night but it looked as if he had done it a thousand times before. He calmly placed down the huge flattened boxes, then proceeded to haul out a big old duvet out of an even older rucksak with some other pieces of blanket. Then they all settled down.

All this was going on while I was trying to enjoy a meal with my husband. I was distracted the entire time not being able to take my eyes off this family. Eventually I said that we can’t let the restuarant just throw away all our leftovers, and there was alot especially since my appetite seized up on me. Their policy is clearly written that no doggy bags allowed. I took a chance and explained and begged our waitress to please allow us to bag all this food for that family across the road and she shyly slid me one of those big take away boxes and I proceeded to catch the hint that she’s not supposed to and hurriedly threw the leftovers in. Shame she even snuck me some plastic forks.

We left praising thanks to our waitress and I took the overflowing box to that family. I was shocked to see how old they looked. I couldn’t figure out if it was genuine age mileage or was it a hard harsh life that racked up those miles beyond their actual years. They said thank you so nicely also insisting that I thank my husband too. Those small children were already fast asleep tucked deep in the corner mostly shielded with the pieces of blankets, without a fuss, without tantrums, not knowing there’s a different life that others lead. They have a cosy corner and that’s all that matters. These people truly live in the here and now. They don’t know what tomorrow brings. When tomorrow comes the wife and children either hide somewhere or go beg and the husband, well I’m assuming from his reflective vest that he guards cars.

It’s heartbreaking but we can’t save everyone….at least for one night we made a temporary difference in that one families life. Maybe it was out of guilt or shame or to make myself feel better, does it really matter, it urged me to do something I wouldn’t normally do. I don’t like supporting human charities as I believes humans have the capacity to make a difference, while animals don’t. But we were able to do something which cost us no more no less which I’m hoping at least filled their bellies for one night.  I truly hope restuarants have programs instilled that give leftovers to homeless or charities, there’s so much wastage going on in this world and so many who can benefit from that which costs no one a cent but just a little effort and creativity to make happen.

I’ve just learnt how to make fudge and now I’m totally addicted for the rest of my life!!!

On one of our adventures we landed in a small town for some snacks and bought this divine thick chunk of homemade boere fudge, it was heavenly, and I’ve been dreaming of going back there, just for that fudge!!! Since then I had wondered how difficult is it really to make my own? Then I discovered in a recipe book that a very very dear friend gave me a few months back, THE fudge recipe. I can now call it THE fudge recipe as first time it worked like a bomb and I can’t stop eating the delicious melt-in-your-mouth blocks of heaven…

I won’t be selfish and keep this secret to myself…here’s the recipe:

1 tin condensed milk

500g castor sugar

125g butter

5ml vanilla essence

5ml vinegar

Grease 25cm square heat proof dish.

Large hard plastic bowl. Throw in condensed milk, castor sugar, butter. Microwave 100% 2 minutes. Mix well. Microwave 100% 5 minutes. Stir twice during that time. Microwave 70% 8 minutes. Stir every time mixture rises – this happens alot during that time. Add vanilla essence and vinegar. Beat well quickly. Pour immediately into greased dish. Cut into squares with wet knife before completely set…and voila….mmmmmmmmFUDGE!

…today I’m wearing the Admin Manager of CMCS hat! I’ve diligently updated the Pastel books, as best I can mind you with being a total novice at it although I’ve been doing it blindly for over 5 years already. Our new auditing firm thinks I’m doing quite well though, so that’s a nice pat on the back. Although yet again I receive an email from them talking about journal entries that must be entered and I start shuddering with nervousness, I hate going near the general journal, funny things happen that aren’t funny! I’ve red flagged the email to be attempted on another day. The filing has also been done, two months worth, to the beat of our new favourite band with not so nice name.

All this got me thinking of all the thinking I’ve been doing lately. I’ve felt so out of sorts, like pulling your hair out jumping up and down in a tantrum, kind of out of sorts! Over the last few years I’ve been so busy accomplishing things, finding new challenges, trying out new things, finding businesses to run etc etc. It was good while it lasted and I felt strong and important and shuffling between all those many different hats felt like that’s what everyone else is doing so it must be what I’m also suppose to do. Until, that fateful day when all that took me away from being with my family during a very difficult time and I couldn’t get that time back to make up for it which left me with guilt. That’s the day I declared war on all those hats, lining them up and executing them one by one.

At that time that’s all I wanted. Wanted to be free of all the clutter and time wasters. My family was most important and I felt I couldn’t do both. Although I know of many strong women who are, I declared myself not one of them. Today I stand with fewer hats. The habit of juggling all those hats, which is now empty, feels abnormal. Is it because society dictates that we should all be doing that, all be racing our little legs off on that hamster wheel day in and day out to be worth something? Is it my mind that just needs the challenge to stay positive and active?

Whatever it is I’m on a tough journey of discovery. Will I find that one hat that will bring me fulfillment in all aspects? I won’t jeopardise my family again by involving myself deeply in another dimension. I’ve at least learnt that much. But I know deep down I must be here for a purpose…although my mind keeps telling me that money equals worthiness but at least my heart knows otherwise. I think my mind has been poisoned by society.

I’m in such a priviledged position to be able to be on this journey. I’m not blind to that fact that it will be tough going at first, it is after all totally against what everyone reckons is normal including my own brain. I however am, well I believe, always up for a challenge. This time though not alone. I’m tired of feeling confused and alone and withdrawn. I’m asking for help this time from anyone who will listen or are able to help in whatever form.

The fullfilment hat will be decorated with everyones input and support! Oh what a wonderful and colourful hat I’m envisioning its going to be.

Remember those childhood days of visiting Cape Town and being let loose in the scratch patch! Well, if only I knew how valuable those stones were back then I would’ve carried bakkie loads home.

Any and all crystals welcome, old and/or new! They mean something to me now.

In light of my recent visit to the Spa – I want MORE!!! Everytime I go I say to myself I must go more often and then a year goes by. So I’m committing to myself here also that even if vouchers don’t fall out of the sky I’m really going to make an effort to go more often.

Shambala is my favourite spot.